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1. |
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The lights are dimming so let’s get on with the show
You and your partner selected an excellent row
The thrill of live entertainment’s your reward
You got yourself out the door!
But who’s this woman on stage who’s starting to sing?
All you can see is that there’s no wedding ring
She turns towards you – looking at your man.
She must be trying to get in his pants!
HEY HEY HEY! She’s a…
Slightly threatening older female – look out look out
She’s coming to get you
Slightly threatening older female – look out look out
She’s gonna infect you
It’s not contagious. Everyone ages
But why did you have to see this
Slightly threatening older female tonight
She’s old and single – a mix you can't understand
So you presume that she wants to snaffle your man
The only weapon you have to crush her charms
Is tightly folding your arms
You check your partner. He’s enjoying himself.
Well, there’s your proof that he wants to shag someone else
You’d never think for a moment he’s to blame
…It’s her who should be ashamed…She’s the…
Slightly threatening older female – look out look out
She’s gonna ensnare you|
Slightly threatening older female – look out look out
It’s starting to scare you
She’s so terrifying. So much closer to dying
So why did you have to see this
Slightly threatening older female – tonight
She’s making joke after joke like some kind of hack
OK she’s funny but SHE WILL NOT – MAKE YOU CRACK
IT’S A TRAP – so you won’t engage
But for the medium of….
RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!
Shoot daggers out of your eyes!
RAGE RAGE RAGE
Your nails dig into your boyfriend’s thigh
And while he is bleeding
You judge her appeal. She has
Legs like a rooster.
What demon produced her??
Why is he perving
She's so unnerving
If that what he fancies
Then what does your man see in…
you…? Could this be all about you?
Maybe it’s all about you….?
Now at this juncture – there’s something I’d like to say.
The idea I would produce a full cabaret
With skilled musicians and huge financial drain
To cop a root is insane
And I’m not making this up – oh take it from me.
It’s not the maddest reaction that I see
Some women only see you as “the other female”
When you’re just “another... female”…
Just “another female”…
Like this “other female”
And this fine “other female”
All these wonderful females…females…..like me….
supporting females you…..that’s what good females do
…good females like you…young beautiful you….young….
And……you. Young, beautiful you…so young and beautiful but mostly...young...
Slightly threatening younger female
Slightly threatening younger female…
Slightly threatening younger female…
Slightly threatening younger female…
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2. |
Mummy Told You
04:05
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Mummy told you – from the day your life began
That every inch of you is perfect – you’ll be any woman’s ideal man
There’s no one who could equal you in worth
The only lady you will ever need – is the one who gave you birth
Mummy told your school – she’d be taking legal action
It’s their fault you set the gym on fire and put Sister Therese in traction
It’s wrong to say that you’re out of control
And any teacher who may disagree will end up on the dole
She won’t anybody tell you what to do
She won’t let anyone change you
No formal education holds you down
They can’t label you dysfunctional
That gym was too combustable…
OH – no one’s gonna contain you. No one’s ever gonna shame you
Don’t you let anybody get in your way.
Now you’re a grown man – and that grown man has his needs
If your wife disdains you, no one can blame you if you go out to sow your seeds
She nags and nags when you’ve been out too long
Saying she deserves attention and respect – (beat) she’s wrong
And when she’s crying, and she says she wants to hold you
Those tear-filled eyes are nothing but lies - she’s trying to control you
She should be grateful she’s you prefer
Hey the chick you wake up next to after sex is often her (Key change)
It’s almost always her
Don’t let anybody try to run your life
You’re the king of your own time
You spend more hours at CrossFit than at home
But with thighs as wide as Redwood trees
And testes like two shrivelled peas
There’s no time for self-reflection
You have muscles that need flexin’
No - one will ever disagree and nobody’s ever gonna leave you
No - Don’t let anybody get in your way
And if anybody tries to take a stand / Then you can give them a backhand
All this talking makes your poor head ache….
And as you display your resume of macho condescension
In a brain bereft of intellect, let’s break fourth wall convention –
To stress that everything I’ve said has ironic intention…
OH – yes you’re one of the good guys.
When will everybody else realise
You won’t let anyone get in your way…
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3. |
Earnest
04:03
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Let’s pick a month – let’s say July
And choose a piece of furniture
Then clear it and replace it with a frame
A photo behind broken glass
Of somebody quite middle class
Who stares at the horizon
Like an ad for a designer from Fitzroy
So the audience can understand I used to love that boy
I’m tired, very tired
I’m so tired of the world
And you can tell how tired I am because
I’m telling you, and when I look outside it’s prob’ly raining
I stare silently at bricks
Because I’m tired and no one can comprehend how tired I am
And so I play a chord for far too long
At some strange point within the song and
Stare out looking bored for an uncomfortably long time…
…and hoping that will prove to you I’m…
I’m earnest, very earnest
Much more earnest in my earnestness than
All the earnestness you think you’ll be
Although I’m only seventeen
I’ve seen so much and loved so much that
I’m convinced I’m weary and I’ll never love again
And you can tell how much I’ll never love
Forever never love
Because I play guitar and I’m sitting on a stool
So it’s difficult to tell if I’m pretentious or I’m cool
I walked through fields of rolling, finite, infinite, fantastic, furry,
Fantasy with fanta in my hair
Wait, I think that was a dream
I really should stop eating cheese
I’ll make seem more resonant by
Dropping all my consonants and
Errywo ill eee Iii eeeerreeee shooting stars
….and surely that will prove to you
I’m earnest, very earnest
Much more earnest in my earnestness and
All the earnest in the world is mine
Although I am not very old
If this single is going gold
I must convince my audience that I am really sad
And that you can
Never see the things I’ve seen, the tragedies I’ve seen
Like that time that I fell over in the quadrangle at school…
It’s difficult to tell if I’m pretentious or I’m cool
If I end on a major seventh chord, you’ll think I’m jazzy too…
Only an ARIA will tell if I’m a wanker or I’m cool
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4. |
Obsolete Me, Dear
02:10
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We had symbiosis. I thought we clicked
Turns out you were a bit of a dick
You thought I didn’t have much to offer
The truth is you behaved like a tosser
You thought you’d play me like a C64
But you can’t cope with pressing play and record
If it’s too difficult to work out the function
I’m serving you with a techno-injunction
You told me once that no love was greater
But your love’s more disastrous than Beta
A superior recording, but with no way to play
On obsolete me, dear
Obsolete me, dear
You’re more dynamic than a nuclear reactor
And I’m a sucker for double-adaptor
You got nothing that fits my floppy drive
Obsolete me, dear, obsolete me dear
Obsolete me dear
The way you whore is becoming abhorrent
You been seeding like a Game of Thrones torrent
You share yourself as if it’s some kind of mission
But this girl baby is a first edition
You say you’re the future, but I’m not impressed
You lack depth and you’re highly compressed
The metaphor, like my cassingles, is wearing thin
I’m obsolete me, dear.
Obsolete me, dear
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5. |
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Look at me – Standing in the chorus line
Look at me – You can see my talent shine
I belong on the stage, I can play any age. I’m the perfect triple threat
Look at me! I make Streisand look like shit.
[Spoken]
Performing’s in my bloodstream.
My accent is so strong
I sound like came from a suburb in Maine
But I was born in Wollongong
I live for music theatre!
And when the curtain rises up
I’m giving you my soul….take it…
I live for music…I live for the theatre….I am music theatre….
[Spoken]
I’ve mastered every genre
From jazz to jukebox rock
My major ambition is to get to New York
And suck Stephen Sondheim’s cock (so nourishing)
I live for music theatre!
You’ll see my name on Broadway…or Broadmeadows RSL…
(They do a karaoke night on Thursdays, I’ve won it for the last 8 months)
I live for theatre…I live for the music….I am theatre music….
Look at all my emotions. I’ll do what it takes to get this…
..role…Anything from casting couch to glory hole…
(BVS: Her talent is amazing. Her repertoire is vast)
And if anybody dies I’ve understudied every member of the cast
(Who left Lisa McCune’s hairdryer in this sink?)
(BVs: She lives for music theatre)
I’m oversinging everything
So you can barely pick each note….
And I’m gonna show you
You’re gonna know…
And you’re gonna notice I’ll steal the show…
You’re gonna love me. Love me!
(BVs: She lives for music theatre)
I live for music theatre!
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6. |
Too Close To Home
04:49
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So many pretty fish…Swimming in a pool too small to breathe in
Never seem to find the thing they need… Until they swim away
So they do their best…hoping all the time they won’t be hated
If their work is too domesticated / Who is gonna pay…
And so the exodus of expats forges on
While the people left behind know something’s wrong
But it’s too close to home…Too close to home
And you’d rather be anywhere…Rather be anywhere but here…
If it’s too hard to fight …and it’s freezing inside…
It’s a wonder you wonder why you’d wanna go home any more
Every time they try
To tell the stories that we think complete us
Somebody reminds that we need to
Tend to our own hearth
But no one wants to dwell….
They’re fussing over every small achievement
While hoping that the next free trade agreement
Won’t break the camel’s heart…
And everyone will do it for no pay
Because the budget’s blown on someone from LA…
Cause we’re too close to home…Too close to home
And you’d rather be anywhere…Rather be anywhere but here…
If there’s something to say …you’d best move away…
It’s a wonder you wonder why you’d wanna go home any more
No one is alone. Everybody’s had that sinking feeling
That the only thing that you believe in might be a mistake
So many pretty tunes. So many different ways to keep reprising
In spite of the things that you delight in
That nothing seems ok…
And it hurts each time you try to write a song
That like an inner-city fox, you don’t belong
And it’s too close to home…Too close to home
And I’d rather be anywhere…Rather be anywhere but here
Maybe in time…When I’ve run out of rhymes…
I'll wanna remember why I wanna go home any more.....anymore…
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7. |
Love Songs
04:36
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Sometimes when I’m reading a pop singer’s lyrics
I can’t fathom why fame has depleted their grasp of English
There must be an unwritten rule
To forget every grammar class you took at school because
Love songs – they don’t make sense
But then love does – not make sense
It’s just a (clap clap) chemical imbalance
That makes people want to live or die
If language is what separates us
From the chimps and the alligators
Then love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
Then love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
Every song takes me hours to spell out a story
Then along comes a pop-rock songwriter to steal the glory
There’s no reason why you should care -
About your hands in the air – unless you’re under a helicopter
Love songs – are maddening
I can’t work out what’s happening
Sure as this costume is unflattering
Love makes a fool of you and I
And if we’re the paramount
Of what the animal kingdom’s all about
Then love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
Then love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
I love you. I need a way to write I love you… Without it sounding trite
…My sun, my moon, my Milky Way…the Jackie to my JFK
Is clever – an unachievable endeavour – when the
subject is someone who’s tricked you into using your own…
…heart….
…Your damned stupid heart…..
Love songs…those silly little love songs…
Oh love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
Love songs – there’s no excuse for the clichés and abuse of the
Grade 5 language rule - just because you want to multiply
But if I find someone to be with
You can rest assured that I’ll proofread all my
Love songs…all my well-written love songs…
Love songs…Just you wait for my love songs…
Love songs – are my pariah From Sheeran to Mariah
When the Martians open fire - It’ll be because of Air Supply
When the human race has dissipated
Our iTunes clouds will humiliate us
With love songs…so many terrible love songs…
Oh love songs…what’s the story with love songs…
7 billion less lonely people in the world….
You mean 7 billion FEWER lonely people in the world
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8. |
You Love It
02:58
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Thanks for coming to my little play
Of what is broadly termed “cabaret”
Every show I produce, I say to myself – never again…
But I’m so glad you seemed to like what we do
Even if it was confronting for you
And if you think that we should all be committed
You should have heard some of the stuff we omitted
When you’re safely tucked up in your bed
With all my/our songs rattling through your head
If it’s driving you mad, imagine being us instead
Almost every song to which you sing along
Came out of a brain that can be pretty wrong….
But you love it, don’t you
You’ll come back, won’t you?
If the words are patchy
The tune is catchy
Just by making your way through the doors
You’ve made us your benevolent cause
But you love it, don’t you
You’ll come back, won’t you?
If the words are patchy
The tune is catchy
Just by making your way through the doors
You’ve made us your benevolent cause
And if anything you’ve heard gives you pause
Remember, they’re our problems not yours
Life’s pretty dull without flaws….That’s your cue for applause….
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Geraldine Quinn Melbourne, Australia
Geraldine Quinn is a multi-award-winning writer-actor-songwriter-rock cabaretiér. She's been nominated for 26 Green Room
Awards (winning 6), 3 Melbourne Comedy Festival Golden Gibbo Awards (winning in 2011), Best Cabaret in Adelaide Fringe (2013), 2 NZ Fringe Awards (2014) and was nominated for Most Outstanding Show in MICF 2022.
She's healthily enamoured of David Bowie & not at all obsessed.
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